Friday, 30 March 2012

Mrs Spooner

I'm easily amused (as you can probably tell from this blog).

So in the car on the way to work, one of the girls was chatting away. I was half-listening as she was describing some big man she'd seen, but then my ears pricked up.

"Shit brickhouse... sorry, did you say he was built like a shit brickhouse?"

"Yeah, he was massive," she responded.

I sat laughing in the back before realising no-one else had picked up on this, then had to spend the next fifteen minutes sniggering into my hand.

My life is fully of hilarity. (And sarcasm. Plenty of sarcasm).

Br*ck Sh*thouse

Sh*t Br*ckhouse.
Not sure why I bleeped the fucking swearing.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Seat Move Bears Fruit

Yes, verbal fruit. We've had some desk moves at work and I have been put next to a lady who, happily for all of us, is delightful but often says the silly things.

Today alone, we had:

Lady: "Asian flu, is it spelt like that - A-V-I-A-N?"
Me: "Avian flu. That’s bird flu."
Lady: "Oh.

Someone Else: "If you're doing that test, you can take your phone off."
Lady: "I thought you said 'take your clothes off'!"
Someone Else: "I do get more things done when I'm naked."

Lady: "What side are your kidneys on, your left or your right?"
Me: "There's one on each side, so in answer to your question, yes.
You have two, that’s why if you get a match and have an organ transplant, the other person’s still ok because they’ve got one working one."
Lady: "I knew that you couldn’t live without it, but I thought you only had one."

I look forward to tomorrow.

Still Learning Norwegian (Slowly)

I've had my Learn Norwegian In Three Months book for over ten years.

I am currently on page 24.

In the mornings before work, I like to spend 15 minutes reading the book and attempting the exercises. Apparently I'm one of those boring people who actually enjoys learning things for no real reason other than I like learning things, much to the amusement of everyone I work with.

My favourite word of the moment is 'ekorn'. It means 'squirrel' but look! it looks like 'acorn'! Isn't that amazing!

I have put together all my wisdom and come up with the sentence
'Jeg er et lite ekorn'
which (hopefully) means ' I am a little squirrel.'

The issue I have with my book is that it doesn't appear to start with anything too useful. Like I remember as a child, we had these amazing illustrated dictionaries to help you learn objects in various environments. I didn't instantly go in learning how to pluralise verbs or do a series of tasks where no-one tells you that particular adjective is highly irregular, and having to guess whether something is common gender or neuter.

I haven't learnt much this week... landlady is selling the flat at short notice, I need to find somewhere and get out, boyfriend is doing navy stuff and is currently non-contactable, let alone in the correct county and available for house viewings. As a result I've been burrowing into an old favourite (Bill Bryson - The Lost Continent') in an attempt to de-stress. It's not really working so I might pick up the norsk again tomorrow and hopefully occupy the braincells.

Saturday, 24 March 2012

The Joy Of The Typo

These are typing errors which I have noticed on various work files and the odd email.

"Client requested interpreter because they are death."

"Did someone call?"

"I emailed your elves last week but am yet to receive a response."

We're kinda busy this time of year, you cotton-headed ninnymuggins!

"Therapist says the client is a pain ** *** ****."
(Office administrator says hopefully the client won't request their notes, as they can probably work out what the asterisks are hiding).

"Therapist has agreed to reboob the client."
(This is not a medical procedure we would encourage).

"I recently interimmed this patient..."
(We hope you mean that you carried out an interim report. Otherwise we hope you got their consent for that).

As usual, thanks to my office spies... the spies with the eyes x

Sunday, 11 March 2012

Considering The Future

Every other week, I come up with a BRILLIANT idea. An AMAZING plan for my future career which will bring joy, experiences, respect, riches, and a smart new wardrobe to go with.

Every other week I realise exactly how far away I am from achieving... well, anything really.

The latest in a long line of superideas include:

* Running an independent record label in Southsea. Mainly indie cool vinyl.
Positives - The closest rival sells olde records for a quid, whereas mine would be shiny mint ltd ed new things. Student and young people area.
Negatives - We're in a recession and everyone downloads everything! The cost of running a shop, paying staff, locating merchandise. Long hours and not much money. Oh, also I've never worked in a music store. But I have both seen AND read High Fidelity and I used to go in Our Price all the time when I was 14.

* Starting a range of vinyl art toys
Positives - I am a geek. I have a handful of Lunartik tea monsters, and two Han Solos. There is a market for toys aimed at adults.
Negatives - My artistic skills are sub-standard. No-one would buy anything.

* Writing a sitcom / book.
Positives - I've started both! And a screenplay.
Negatives - Time and social life getting in the way. Three years and 30,000 words so far, whereas I need at least 80,000 for the book. Being too scared to interview people doesn't help.
HOWEVER this is the one superidea I keep coming back to. So can people stop inviting me out in the evenings, and can work stop making me come in, and can we block Facebook, and I might get somewhere. Thanks awfully.

* Opening an ice cream parlour in Gunwharf (or a doughnut / waffle house).
Positives - support from work colleagues, or a few people said "I like doughnuts!" so that's my customer base. I like ice cream a lot. There are plenty of dairy farms in Hampshire or we could use some Jersey milk, thus impressing all the people who have hopped on the ferry from the Channel Islands. I've also found a nice dress which would look lovely at the official opening ceremony.
Negatives - I have long hair which tends to fall out at inappropriate baking moments, so suspect half the ice cream would have to be scrapped. I would also need £££££ to get shop premises, employees and a franchise. Or I would have to learn how to make ice cream, because one Mr Frosty alone would not be enough.

* Starting a magazine for solicitors.
Positives - Used to work as an online music journalist in an office full of talented individuals who worked on the financial titles and therefore know about business-to-business content, advertising, production and everything else. I currently work in a role where I speak to solicitors a lot of the time about injury claims and the like.
Negatives - There are several magazines already. And I have spoken to a number of incredibly rude solicitors before, people who seem to think everything  revolves around them, and it would take a lot of effort to not write an article entitled 'YOU SMUG ARROGANT BASTARDS' aimed at the offending case handlers. They know who they are. They have no friends. This may alienate the rest of the readership as they may mistakenly think this is about them. Bad idea.

* Working as a speech and language therapist.
Positives - I like language. I like the idea of helping people achieve something. I would like to be a professional, good at my job and committed to encouraging other. I also like the idea of being on a career path which pays above £15,000 a year, but never mind.
Negatives - You need a degree in this discipline. I already have a relatively useless degree, which means I wouldn't qualify for any financial support. I imagine scientific wisdom would be helpful, but as we discovered in an earlier post, I can't even remember the boiling point of water and am concerned I would be out of my depth. Also I am scared of people.

* Going on a working holiday to New Zealand.
Positives - This is the latest venture I am excited about (rather than the book/sitcom, where I just procrastinate then regularly weep at my rubbishness). It would make me more confident. I can go abroad for up to a good year or so, and work on farms, fruit picking, mucking out horses (I have vast experience of this), or in an office, then travel round and look at Stuff. I desperately need to travel and look at Stuff. Also then maybe I could get a tattoo of a kiwi. If I ran out of money, then could just come home. Boyfriend is in the navy and is away a lot, so he wouldn't exactly be sat around waiting for me. It's usually the other way round!
Negatives - Someone still has to pay rent at home, unless I move out, in which case where does the boyfriend and all our furniture end up? Also I am scared of people and might just spend three weeks hiding under a hostel bed. Also I believe you have to apply for a working holiday vis before your 31st birthday - I'm nearly 30, so there's not a lot of time left...

The way I'm looking at it, if I don't work abroad even for just a couple of months I will regret it, and if I don't complete my book I will actually eat this laptop out of frustration.

Anyone got any tips / advice / £200,000 going spare?How do you all do your superideas? x

Thursday, 8 March 2012

I Am Not Infallible

Why I should stop being so smug about everyone else...

Guy: "How hot do you think that water is? Very hot. It must be close to boiling."

Me: "40, 50, 60 degrees? Because the temperature of boiling water's 60, isn't it?"

Guy: "Ahh, no. It's 100."

Me: "Oh yeah, of course. It's because there are 60 minutes in an hour. I got them confused."

Guy: "...Yeah. I see how you did that."

Fire (In The Disco)

On the way to fire marshal training at work:

Me: "I'd be too scared to use a fire extinguisher in case I used the wrong one. Like if you put water on an electrical fire."

Girl: "I wouldn't want to use it, because what if the fire brigade came, and they ran out, and needed to use it?"