Monday, 22 April 2013

New Girl - Part 2

Me: "My sister's in Bali at the moment."

Her: "Where's that?"

Me: "Bali and Lombok are islands in Indonesia, so a bit up from Australia."

Her: "What's it like there?"

Me: "White sandy beaches, blue seas, that kind of thing."

Her: "I just tried googling Barley and I got a picture of some wheat."

Me: "It's spelt B - A - L - I."

Her: "I'm not very good at geography. (Addresses a guy:) Do you remember when you said Spain was in Europe, and I said where are we, and you said Europe, and I was like how can we be in the same place as Spain?"

Everyone: "Europe's a continent, like Australasia or Africa."

Her: "Africa's one country isn't it?"

Welcome to Barley! Please remove your shoes.

Him: *spins round in his chair on his way to the bin*

Her: "You startled me! Can you not move so erotically?"

Him: "What?!"

Everyone: "Did you mean 'erratically'?"

Her, slightly panicked: "What does it mean...? Oh my God!"

Monday, 8 April 2013

New Girl

Well she's not that new, but she's new to sitting opposite me, and it looks like I am in for a treat.

On the passing of Margaret Thatcher...

Girl: "Was she not very nice?"

Me: "I don't know what she was actually like, but a LOT of people didn't agree with her policies."

Girl: "Thatcher... I can't put a name to a face, so I don't think she was that important."

*   *   *

Guy: "These grapes are from Chile."

Girl: "Chile?" (She's pronouncing it like Voodoo Chile).

Me: "Chile. You pronounce it with an accent on the 'e'."

Girl: "Is it in Spain?"

Guy: "Well it is Spanish. The Americans pronounce it Chil-Ah, with more of an 'ah' sound."

Girl: "Why do the Americans do that?"

Guy: "Because of the Spanish inflection."

Girl: "So it IS in Spain?"

Me: "It's in South America, but they speak Spanish there."

Girl (rounding on Guy): "Why didn't you say that to begin with?!"

Tuesday, 5 March 2013

Every Day I'm Struffling

Have been trying to collect together some of my favourite typos from the last couple of weeks:

"Sleeping is oaky."

"Patient has advised i have pulled his pants down and i am comiting frude buy calling him... patient was very rude and use lauge he shoudnt of"
(The next file note said something along the lines of 'please ignore the blatherings of this nutter, I called the wrong number and clearly got through to some sweary berk', which begs the questions 1. Why did you think you needed to record this mad conversation for posterity? 2. Where is your spellcheck?)

"Client still struffling with every day activities"

"Patient reports a 1000% improvement in symptoms…Patient is pleased with progress." (Yeah, I bet they are)

"Patient reports 0% improvement in all symptoms since commencing treatment." (Imagine this person wasn't as happy as the last).

"Patient having difficulty when driving: blindspots and hoovering."


Saturday, 9 February 2013

Hide And Seek

Guy, who regularly asks me to hide incorrect attachments on files: "Do you want to play hide and seek?"

Me: "Yes. You go and hide, and I'll come and find you in, say, an hour and a half?"

Ready or not, here I come!

Porridge. It Tastes Like Porridge.

Sitting next to a newer member of staff in the breakroom...

Me: "Oooh, is that porridge you've got?"

Girl: "Yes. I've not had porridge before. Is it like Ready Brek?"

Me: "Ready Brek IS porridge."

Girl: "Oh."

A short while later...

Girl: "This tastes like Ready Brek."

Monday, 4 February 2013

You Must Be Mistaken

Girl: "Tell him who you saw in Iceland!"

Boy: "Was it a walrus with a moustache?"

Me: "Not unless you're being incredibly rude, it was a girl called J- who used to work here."

*     *     *

Watching repeats of Pointless:

Alexander Armstrong: "Name a film with a country in the title."

Me: "Australia."

Friend: "There's no trees in that."


Me: "I googled the number, and they're a telepest."
Girl: "Is telepest a company?"
Me: "I don't think they'd get many customers if they were called that."

*     *     *

Girl: "Why is Mexico not in the Euro?"

*     *     *

Physiotherapist, writing in their report: "Patient has Asparagus syndrome."

(Definitely worth noting, as they are clearly a medical marvel)

*     *     *

 Boss, in departmental email: "We're having some desk moves as we're testing the new system, so the testes will be sitting together."

Balls to that.