New Girl - Part 2

Me: "My sister's in Bali at the moment."

Her: "Where's that?"

Me: "Bali and Lombok are islands in Indonesia, so a bit up from Australia."

Her: "What's it like there?"

Me: "White sandy beaches, blue seas, that kind of thing."

Her: "I just tried googling Barley and I got a picture of some wheat."

Me: "It's spelt B - A - L - I."

Her: "I'm not very good at geography. (Addresses a guy:) Do you remember when you said Spain was in Europe, and I said where are we, and you said Europe, and I was like how can we be in the same place as Spain?"

Everyone: "Europe's a continent, like Australasia or Africa."

Her: "Africa's one country isn't it?"

Welcome to Barley! Please remove your shoes.

Him: *spins round in his chair on his way to the bin*

Her: "You startled me! Can you not move so erotically?"

Him: "What?!"

Everyone: "Did you mean 'erratically'?"

Her, slightly panicked: "What does it mean...? Oh my God!"

New Girl

Well she's not that new, but she's new to sitting opposite me, and it looks like I am in for a treat.


On the passing of Margaret Thatcher...

Girl: "Was she not very nice?"

Me: "I don't know what she was actually like, but a LOT of people didn't agree with her policies."

Girl: "Thatcher... I can't put a name to a face, so I don't think she was that important."


*   *   *


Guy: "These grapes are from Chile."

Girl: "Chile?" (She's pronouncing it like Voodoo Chile).

Me: "Chile. You pronounce it with an accent on the 'e'."

Girl: "Is it in Spain?"

Guy: "Well it is Spanish. The Americans pronounce it Chil-Ah, with more of an 'ah' sound."

Girl: "Why do the Americans do that?"

Guy: "Because of the Spanish inflection."

Girl: "So it IS in Spain?"

Me: "It's in South America, but they speak Spanish there."

Girl (rounding on Guy): "Why didn't you say that to begin with?!"

Every Day I'm Struffling

Have been trying to collect together some of my favourite typos from the last couple of weeks:

"Sleeping is oaky."

"Patient has advised i have pulled his pants down and i am comiting frude buy calling him... patient was very rude and use lauge he shoudnt of"

(The next file note said something along the lines of 'please ignore the blatherings of this nutter, I called the wrong number and clearly got through to some sweary berk', which begs the questions 1. Why did you think you needed to record this mad conversation for posterity? 2. Where is your spellcheck?)

"Client still struffling with every day activities"

"Patient reports a 1000% improvement in symptoms…Patient is pleased with progress." (Yeah, I bet they are)

"Patient reports 0% improvement in all symptoms since commencing treatment." (Imagine this person wasn't as happy as the last).

"Patient having difficulty when driving: blindspots and hoovering."

 PUT THE DYSON DOWN AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE ROAD!

Hide And Seek

Guy, who regularly asks me to hide incorrect attachments on files: "Do you want to play hide and seek?"

Me: "Yes. You go and hide, and I'll come and find you in, say, an hour and a half?"

Ready or not, here I come!

Porridge. It Tastes Like Porridge.

Sitting next to a newer member of staff in the breakroom...

Me: "Oooh, is that porridge you've got?"

Girl: "Yes. I've not had porridge before. Is it like Ready Brek?"

Me: "Ready Brek IS porridge."

Girl: "Oh."

A short while later...

Girl: "This tastes like Ready Brek."

You Must Be Mistaken

Girl: "Tell him who you saw in Iceland!"

Boy: "Was it a walrus with a moustache?"

Me: "Not unless you're being incredibly rude, it was a girl called J- who used to work here."


*     *     *

Watching repeats of Pointless:

Alexander Armstrong: "Name a film with a country in the title."

Me: "Australia."

Friend: "There's no trees in that."

Balls

Me: "I googled the number, and they're a telepest."
Girl: "Is telepest a company?"
Me: "I don't think they'd get many customers if they were called that."


*     *     *


Girl: "Why is Mexico not in the Euro?"


*     *     *


Physiotherapist, writing in their report: "Patient has Asparagus syndrome."

(Definitely worth noting, as they are clearly a medical marvel)


*     *     *


 Boss, in departmental email: "We're having some desk moves as we're testing the new system, so the testes will be sitting together."

Balls to that.

Festive Filth

Me: "Someone has just sent round an badly spelt email about the office Secrete Santa."

Everyone: "Ewww!"

Lady: "Well he does come once a year!"

Ignorance Is Bliss

Girl 1: "I'm going to tell her!"

Girl 2: "Noooo, don't tell her! She'll laugh at me!"

Girl 1: "I'm still going to tell her!"

Me: "Tell me what?"

Girl 1: "She didn't know that baby cockatiels came from eggs!"

Me: "What?! Did you think they grew on trees or something?!"


*     *     *     *

Girl: "It was only a couple of years ago that I realised Scotch eggs have got meat in them."

Me: "What did you think the sausagemeat was?"

Girl: "I don't know... I thought it was some part of the egg. The mini ones. I offered one to my friend and she said no because she was vegetarian... I was like, what?"


*     *     *     *

Girl: "My mum didn't realise Babycham was alcoholic, until she went to a party and said to someone 'What are you drinking?' 'Babycham.' 'Oh, why aren't you drinking?' She used to feed it to me when I was younger."

Other makes of perry, or deer, are of course available.

Best Not To Know

Girl: "Oh my God, did you see that girl's cameltoe?!"

Guy: "No, I wasn't looking at her feet."

The Outback

Girl at work, after a good five months of planning and saving, on learning she has been granted a visa so she can live / work in Australia for a year:

"I don't actually know anything about Australia. I know there's that big rock in the middle."

"It's a rock, it doesn't have any weak spots!"

Rockabilly Baby

My fashion sense is really not all that; nonsense, more like. As a child, I had a beautiful pair of purple trousers with a watermelon print all over. I have fond memories of these, and thankfully no pictures. Then there were the mint green ski pants, the fluorescent bumbag, the bird hair clip that made me look like I had a streak of blue hair... beautiful. Plus to crown the image, a pair of pink, wide-rimmed Eighties glasses so large they covered my whole face.

We didn't have a lot of money and so many of our clothes were hand-me-downs from another family. Clothes from a market stall would arrive in binbags with out of date Eighties patterns and popstar prints (I seem to remember Michael Jackson and Bros). In my early teens, I had a burnt orange skirt, a crushed velvet top and some hot pink culottes. I wore the culottes to the local shops once and saw someone I recognised from school, and was instantly mortified that they'd seen me in something so shocking to the eye.

As I grew older and more embarrassed of drawing any attention to myself, I dressed in white, mushroom, navy; baggy band t shirts in a male size L and ill-fitting jeans. I still had the giant framed glasses because I was scared of change. Me and my best friend used to sneer at the other girls brushing their hair in between classes every time there was a spot of wind - we were at school, we didn't care about impressing anyone. How vain! There is more to life than looks!

Then one day I came in, and my friend was brushing her hair. It was a Forever Alone moment.

I genuinely used to lay my clothes out like this when I was five...

At college I bought a red t shirt and it was the bravest thing I'd done for some time. I could feel people staring at me and it made me hot and uncomfortable. (I might have been hot following a 30 minute brisk walk to class, rather than because I was surrounded by eyes, but as a teenager you are so self-conscious, every minor change to your image mattered). Once I left I felt I could start afresh, and so my glasses became smaller and delicately black framed.

At university, I was more of a classic rock hippy. I used to roam Southampton in a pair of enormously flared purple cords, with a multi-coloured belt and brightly coloured t shirts. Eventually Vision Express helped me on my way to getting some contact lenses, and I feel less bogged down by not having to wear specs all the time any more.


I've always been interested in alternative fashions, albeit a mild version. I'm not content with dressing in plain, inoffensive high street 'blands'. My favourite band is Pulp, and their dark, twisted, mouth-wateringly quirky bleeps. They appeared to champion corduroy, velvet, plastic rings, and stripey jumpers. I tried buying all these things, in a mish-mash of fashion. The band were well-known for shopping at charity shops, but in my local town, you wouldn't go in one unless you were over the age of 70. I think things have happily changed now.

Candida Doyle... adorably quirky rings and jumpers

Something has happened to me recently, and I have gone a bit rockabilly...


According to Your Scene Sucks, "The Rockabilly lifestyle is generally what happens when punk scene veterans suffer some sort of trauma in their late twenties.  As a result, they start believing they are the stars of a 1950's period piece, where they can idealize aspects of a simpler time."

I like it because of the different aspects. There is the tough, rock chick patterns and tattoos, then there is the glamour and femininity of the hairstyles and floaty dresses.

I wear flowers in my hair, polka dots and pearl bracelets. I now own a pair of cheetah-print trousers, and sometimes I am brave enough to wear them out. I can't wear little flicks of eyeliner due to being a heavy user of eye drops though. I recently visited the lovely ladies at Rockabilly, and they cut in some Bettie Bangs, a cute little, slightly puffed out fringe. Now I am one of the people taking my comb out at every opportunity to check they are in place. I don't yet have any tattoos, but I've been considering them for years, and no doubt I will get round to this. I'm even trying to buy nicer underwear, for goodness' sake.

All of this change and trying to fit in isn't something I'm doing for other people; it's for me. I feel more like the person I knew I was back then, but didn't look like, if that makes sense. I don't feel like I have to hide any more - and it feels good.

*head desk*

Me: "Toby said the appointment was booked for July 3^rd, that’s the day before Independence Day. I mean, not our independence day. We probably shouldn’t be celebrating it."

Girl: "When is our independence day? Or don’t we have one?"

*  *  *  *

Me: "... and then after a few years doing normal navy stuff, he's hoping to train to be an officer."

Girl: "What’s an officer?"

Me (confused by question, and not able to name every rank): "...An officer."

Girl: "Yes but what is it?"

Me: "Er, it's like management."

*  *  *  *

Girl: "Arthroscopy – is that a person or a thing?"


*  *  *  *

 

Girl: "Lyndhurst – is that a chocolate?"

Me: "No, that's in the New Forest. You're thinking of Lindt."


*  *  *  *

Girl (sees me reading Complete Norwegian during my lunchbreak): "Is that your English phrasebook?"

Me: "I can already speak English!"


*  *  *  *

Where it says 'Girl', it is actually the same girl talking to me in all the above exchanges. She is delightful but it can be a little distracting / frustrating.

Beaten To It

In a previous post, I mentioned how one of my superideas was to open an independent record store in Southsea.

Someone's only gone and bloody done it, around the corner from my current residence.

Pie & Vinyl is the name. It's pretty much self-explanatory as to what they sell.  The front half of the shop is the dining area, with limited edition posters, vinyls and unusual ornamental objects, no doubt sourced from the local antiquey places which Southsea does quite well.

The back half is the main record store, and although it's quite small, has plenty of pleasing items in there (including a number of Pulp re-releases; the boyfriend told me he'd never seen them before, however as a massive band nerd, I was able to tell him the year of release, the record label, key tracks and who was singing on them, much to his despair).

On the day we went, it was a bit grey and chilly.  Passers-by were squinting through the steamed up windows to see the vintage treats and delicious food within.  I had an elderflower cordial and a Thai chicken pie, while boyfriend went for a Scotch pie.  They came with mash and minty peas TO DIE FOR, and a choice of gravy or liquor. It was a bit tricky to eat as I could only find what looked like a fish knife, which kept bouncing off the crust, but maybe they just hadn't finished the washing up.

The pies are stocked by one of my favourite brands, Pieminster, with various varieties that you can't order on their website (unless you do a massive bulk buy), and local butcher Buckwells, a popular shop which has queues outside it every Saturday.

Out back, the boyfriend picked up a Jack White single that he liked, while I plumped for Anna Calvi 'Suzanne & I' - a bit of a vanity purchase (Suzanne is my name. Obviously the song's not about me. We've never met, though she did give me a weird look once while I was waiting outside a venue for the Pigeon Detectives. Her band Cheap Hotel had been supporting and I'd seen then two days running, hence the weird look).

Pie & Vinyl also provides a place to pick up copies of The Stool Pigeon, which I hadn't seen here before (close inspection reveals it's available in quite a few places on Albert Road, but lack of disposable income has prevented me from visiting on a regular basis).

We also had a a little chat with the proprietors once we'd dined and spent all our money, and such lovely chaps they are, very friendly and keen to hear our comments.

I banned myself from visiting over Record Store Day as I am trying to save for a deposit for the next rental flat. Next time I am back in Southsea I will sadly be further away (at present it's a three minute walk there) but I will definitely come back. Even if I am slightly jealous they achieved their superidea before I did.

Pie & Vinyl on Facebook

Two Conversations At Once

Me: "I feel so bloated. I didn't eat much cake, but I had a bit of fizzy drink and now I feel huge. Do you ever get that? My stomach's just ballooned. I have to keep breathing in."

Girl: "It gets worse every time I look."

Me: "??!"

Girl: "Not you, sorry. I was talking about that girl's badly-fitting trousers."

In Honour Of The Local Elections

Me: "I tried booking an appointment for tomorrow, but the lady works for a council so she's really busy as it's local elections."

Girl: "Oh, I didn't realise that was tomorrow. Are the Conservatories still in power?"

(A few minutes passed while another lady and myself made jokes about the Conservatives being quite rigid, possibly corrugated, and they get really really hot in summer time. Then:)

Girl: "Who were the ones that used to be in power... the Lib Dems?"

Me: "Er, they're still in power now? They're in a coalition with the Conservatives."

Girl: "Oh no, I meant the ones who were in for ages and ages."

Me: "Labour?"

Girl: "Yeah, that's them."


Probably just as well that voter turnout was quite low.

*   *   *   *

Lady: "I'm doing a quiz where all the answers are creatures. The clue is 'off balance'."

Me: "It's hard trying to think of a word, then an animal it sounds like. Unsteady? Wavering?"

Lady: "Wobble? I suppose it sounds a bit like Womble, haha!"

Girl: "It could be that one, because Wombles are wild animals, they live in Australia."

Me: "Firstly, they tend to roam Wimbledon Common, secondly THEY'RE NOT REAL!"

G'day!

Mrs Spooner

I'm easily amused (as you can probably tell from this blog).

So in the car on the way to work, one of the girls was chatting away. I was half-listening as she was describing some big man she'd seen, but then my ears pricked up.

"Shit brickhouse... sorry, did you say he was built like a shit brickhouse?"

"Yeah, he was massive," she responded.

I sat laughing in the back before realising no-one else had picked up on this, then had to spend the next fifteen minutes sniggering into my hand.

My life is fully of hilarity. (And sarcasm. Plenty of sarcasm).

Br*ck Sh*thouse

Sh*t Br*ckhouse.
Not sure why I bleeped the fucking swearing.

Seat Move Bears Fruit

Yes, verbal fruit. We've had some desk moves at work and I have been put next to a lady who, happily for all of us, is delightful but often says the silly things.


Today alone, we had:

Lady: "Asian flu, is it spelt like that - A-V-I-A-N?"

Me: "Avian flu. That’s bird flu."

Lady: "Oh.

Someone Else: "If you're doing that test, you can take your phone off."

Lady: "I thought you said 'take your clothes off'!"

Someone Else: "I do get more things done when I'm naked."

Lady: "What side are your kidneys on, your left or your right?"
Me: "There's one on each side, so in answer to your question, yes. You have two, that’s why if you get a match and have an organ transplant, the other person’s still ok because they’ve got one working one."

Lady: "I knew that you couldn’t live without it, but I thought you only had one."

I look forward to tomorrow.

Still Learning Norwegian (Slowly)

I've had my Learn Norwegian In Three Months book for over ten years.

I am currently on page 24.

In the mornings before work, I like to spend 15 minutes reading the book and attempting the exercises. Apparently I'm one of those boring people who actually enjoys learning things for no real reason other than I like learning things, much to the amusement of everyone I work with.

My favourite word of the moment is 'ekorn'. It means 'squirrel' but look! it looks like 'acorn'! Isn't that amazing!

I have put together all my wisdom and come up with the sentence

'Jeg er et lite ekorn'

which (hopefully) means ' I am a little squirrel.'

The issue I have with my book is that it doesn't appear to start with anything too useful. Like I remember as a child, we had these amazing illustrated dictionaries to help you learn objects in various environments. I didn't instantly go in learning how to pluralise verbs or do a series of tasks where no-one tells you that particular adjective is highly irregular, and having to guess whether something is common gender or neuter.

I haven't learnt much this week... landlady is selling the flat at short notice, I need to find somewhere and get out, boyfriend is doing navy stuff and is currently non-contactable, let alone in the correct county and available for house viewings. As a result I've been burrowing into an old favourite (Bill Bryson - The Lost Continent') in an attempt to de-stress. It's not really working so I might pick up the norsk again tomorrow and hopefully occupy the braincells.

The Joy Of The Typo

These are typing errors which I have noticed on various work files and the odd email.


"Client requested interpreter because they are death."

"Did someone call?"

"I emailed your elves last week but am yet to receive a response."

We're kinda busy this time of year, you cotton-headed ninnymuggins!

"Therapist says the client is a pain ** *** ****."
(Office administrator says hopefully the client won't request their notes, as they can probably work out what the asterisks are hiding).


"Therapist has agreed to reboob the client."
(This is not a medical procedure we would encourage).


"I recently interimmed this patient..."
(We hope you mean that you carried out an interim report. Otherwise we hope you got their consent for that).


As usual, thanks to my office spies... the spies with the eyes x