Every Day I'm Struffling

Have been trying to collect together some of my favourite typos from the last couple of weeks:

"Sleeping is oaky."

"Patient has advised i have pulled his pants down and i am comiting frude buy calling him... patient was very rude and use lauge he shoudnt of"

(The next file note said something along the lines of 'please ignore the blatherings of this nutter, I called the wrong number and clearly got through to some sweary berk', which begs the questions 1. Why did you think you needed to record this mad conversation for posterity? 2. Where is your spellcheck?)

"Client still struffling with every day activities"

"Patient reports a 1000% improvement in symptoms…Patient is pleased with progress." (Yeah, I bet they are)

"Patient reports 0% improvement in all symptoms since commencing treatment." (Imagine this person wasn't as happy as the last).

"Patient having difficulty when driving: blindspots and hoovering."

 PUT THE DYSON DOWN AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE ROAD!

Hide And Seek

Guy, who regularly asks me to hide incorrect attachments on files: "Do you want to play hide and seek?"

Me: "Yes. You go and hide, and I'll come and find you in, say, an hour and a half?"

Ready or not, here I come!

Porridge. It Tastes Like Porridge.

Sitting next to a newer member of staff in the breakroom...

Me: "Oooh, is that porridge you've got?"

Girl: "Yes. I've not had porridge before. Is it like Ready Brek?"

Me: "Ready Brek IS porridge."

Girl: "Oh."

A short while later...

Girl: "This tastes like Ready Brek."

You Must Be Mistaken

Girl: "Tell him who you saw in Iceland!"

Boy: "Was it a walrus with a moustache?"

Me: "Not unless you're being incredibly rude, it was a girl called J- who used to work here."


*     *     *

Watching repeats of Pointless:

Alexander Armstrong: "Name a film with a country in the title."

Me: "Australia."

Friend: "There's no trees in that."

Balls

Me: "I googled the number, and they're a telepest."
Girl: "Is telepest a company?"
Me: "I don't think they'd get many customers if they were called that."


*     *     *


Girl: "Why is Mexico not in the Euro?"


*     *     *


Physiotherapist, writing in their report: "Patient has Asparagus syndrome."

(Definitely worth noting, as they are clearly a medical marvel)


*     *     *


 Boss, in departmental email: "We're having some desk moves as we're testing the new system, so the testes will be sitting together."

Balls to that.

Festive Filth

Me: "Someone has just sent round an badly spelt email about the office Secrete Santa."

Everyone: "Ewww!"

Lady: "Well he does come once a year!"

Ignorance Is Bliss

Girl 1: "I'm going to tell her!"

Girl 2: "Noooo, don't tell her! She'll laugh at me!"

Girl 1: "I'm still going to tell her!"

Me: "Tell me what?"

Girl 1: "She didn't know that baby cockatiels came from eggs!"

Me: "What?! Did you think they grew on trees or something?!"


*     *     *     *

Girl: "It was only a couple of years ago that I realised Scotch eggs have got meat in them."

Me: "What did you think the sausagemeat was?"

Girl: "I don't know... I thought it was some part of the egg. The mini ones. I offered one to my friend and she said no because she was vegetarian... I was like, what?"


*     *     *     *

Girl: "My mum didn't realise Babycham was alcoholic, until she went to a party and said to someone 'What are you drinking?' 'Babycham.' 'Oh, why aren't you drinking?' She used to feed it to me when I was younger."

Other makes of perry, or deer, are of course available.