Balls

Me: "I googled the number, and they're a telepest."
Girl: "Is telepest a company?"
Me: "I don't think they'd get many customers if they were called that."


*     *     *


Girl: "Why is Mexico not in the Euro?"


*     *     *


Physiotherapist, writing in their report: "Patient has Asparagus syndrome."

(Definitely worth noting, as they are clearly a medical marvel)


*     *     *


 Boss, in departmental email: "We're having some desk moves as we're testing the new system, so the testes will be sitting together."

Balls to that.

Festive Filth

Me: "Someone has just sent round an badly spelt email about the office Secrete Santa."

Everyone: "Ewww!"

Lady: "Well he does come once a year!"

Ignorance Is Bliss

Girl 1: "I'm going to tell her!"

Girl 2: "Noooo, don't tell her! She'll laugh at me!"

Girl 1: "I'm still going to tell her!"

Me: "Tell me what?"

Girl 1: "She didn't know that baby cockatiels came from eggs!"

Me: "What?! Did you think they grew on trees or something?!"


*     *     *     *

Girl: "It was only a couple of years ago that I realised Scotch eggs have got meat in them."

Me: "What did you think the sausagemeat was?"

Girl: "I don't know... I thought it was some part of the egg. The mini ones. I offered one to my friend and she said no because she was vegetarian... I was like, what?"


*     *     *     *

Girl: "My mum didn't realise Babycham was alcoholic, until she went to a party and said to someone 'What are you drinking?' 'Babycham.' 'Oh, why aren't you drinking?' She used to feed it to me when I was younger."

Other makes of perry, or deer, are of course available.

Best Not To Know

Girl: "Oh my God, did you see that girl's cameltoe?!"

Guy: "No, I wasn't looking at her feet."

The Outback

Girl at work, after a good five months of planning and saving, on learning she has been granted a visa so she can live / work in Australia for a year:

"I don't actually know anything about Australia. I know there's that big rock in the middle."

"It's a rock, it doesn't have any weak spots!"

Rockabilly Baby

My fashion sense is really not all that; nonsense, more like. As a child, I had a beautiful pair of purple trousers with a watermelon print all over. I have fond memories of these, and thankfully no pictures. Then there were the mint green ski pants, the fluorescent bumbag, the bird hair clip that made me look like I had a streak of blue hair... beautiful. Plus to crown the image, a pair of pink, wide-rimmed Eighties glasses so large they covered my whole face.

We didn't have a lot of money and so many of our clothes were hand-me-downs from another family. Clothes from a market stall would arrive in binbags with out of date Eighties patterns and popstar prints (I seem to remember Michael Jackson and Bros). In my early teens, I had a burnt orange skirt, a crushed velvet top and some hot pink culottes. I wore the culottes to the local shops once and saw someone I recognised from school, and was instantly mortified that they'd seen me in something so shocking to the eye.

As I grew older and more embarrassed of drawing any attention to myself, I dressed in white, mushroom, navy; baggy band t shirts in a male size L and ill-fitting jeans. I still had the giant framed glasses because I was scared of change. Me and my best friend used to sneer at the other girls brushing their hair in between classes every time there was a spot of wind - we were at school, we didn't care about impressing anyone. How vain! There is more to life than looks!

Then one day I came in, and my friend was brushing her hair. It was a Forever Alone moment.

I genuinely used to lay my clothes out like this when I was five...

At college I bought a red t shirt and it was the bravest thing I'd done for some time. I could feel people staring at me and it made me hot and uncomfortable. (I might have been hot following a 30 minute brisk walk to class, rather than because I was surrounded by eyes, but as a teenager you are so self-conscious, every minor change to your image mattered). Once I left I felt I could start afresh, and so my glasses became smaller and delicately black framed.

At university, I was more of a classic rock hippy. I used to roam Southampton in a pair of enormously flared purple cords, with a multi-coloured belt and brightly coloured t shirts. Eventually Vision Express helped me on my way to getting some contact lenses, and I feel less bogged down by not having to wear specs all the time any more.


I've always been interested in alternative fashions, albeit a mild version. I'm not content with dressing in plain, inoffensive high street 'blands'. My favourite band is Pulp, and their dark, twisted, mouth-wateringly quirky bleeps. They appeared to champion corduroy, velvet, plastic rings, and stripey jumpers. I tried buying all these things, in a mish-mash of fashion. The band were well-known for shopping at charity shops, but in my local town, you wouldn't go in one unless you were over the age of 70. I think things have happily changed now.

Candida Doyle... adorably quirky rings and jumpers

Something has happened to me recently, and I have gone a bit rockabilly...


According to Your Scene Sucks, "The Rockabilly lifestyle is generally what happens when punk scene veterans suffer some sort of trauma in their late twenties.  As a result, they start believing they are the stars of a 1950's period piece, where they can idealize aspects of a simpler time."

I like it because of the different aspects. There is the tough, rock chick patterns and tattoos, then there is the glamour and femininity of the hairstyles and floaty dresses.

I wear flowers in my hair, polka dots and pearl bracelets. I now own a pair of cheetah-print trousers, and sometimes I am brave enough to wear them out. I can't wear little flicks of eyeliner due to being a heavy user of eye drops though. I recently visited the lovely ladies at Rockabilly, and they cut in some Bettie Bangs, a cute little, slightly puffed out fringe. Now I am one of the people taking my comb out at every opportunity to check they are in place. I don't yet have any tattoos, but I've been considering them for years, and no doubt I will get round to this. I'm even trying to buy nicer underwear, for goodness' sake.

All of this change and trying to fit in isn't something I'm doing for other people; it's for me. I feel more like the person I knew I was back then, but didn't look like, if that makes sense. I don't feel like I have to hide any more - and it feels good.

*head desk*

Me: "Toby said the appointment was booked for July 3^rd, that’s the day before Independence Day. I mean, not our independence day. We probably shouldn’t be celebrating it."

Girl: "When is our independence day? Or don’t we have one?"

*  *  *  *

Me: "... and then after a few years doing normal navy stuff, he's hoping to train to be an officer."

Girl: "What’s an officer?"

Me (confused by question, and not able to name every rank): "...An officer."

Girl: "Yes but what is it?"

Me: "Er, it's like management."

*  *  *  *

Girl: "Arthroscopy – is that a person or a thing?"


*  *  *  *

 

Girl: "Lyndhurst – is that a chocolate?"

Me: "No, that's in the New Forest. You're thinking of Lindt."


*  *  *  *

Girl (sees me reading Complete Norwegian during my lunchbreak): "Is that your English phrasebook?"

Me: "I can already speak English!"


*  *  *  *

Where it says 'Girl', it is actually the same girl talking to me in all the above exchanges. She is delightful but it can be a little distracting / frustrating.